Books and Sex

      I was telling my niece, Renee, that -- using books as the foundation -- I could write about anything -- cooking, fitness, mental health, travel, and so much more -- even sex!  She replied, "Please don't write about sex," so, of course, I responded, "Now I'll have to write about SEX!"  I was joking when I wrote that, but that exchange triggered a memory, so here goes!
     When I was about 11 or 12, we were still living in rural Virginia, near Oakton and Vienna.  I found a library book on one of our many bookshelves.  I remembered that the title was something like Mothers and Sons, so I searched for that title, and I found Sons and Lovers by D. H. Lawrence.  I'm pretty sure that was the book that I read.  I have absolutely no memory of the plot or the characters.  Instead, what I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday is the intense sexual feelings that were unleashed!  No, I'm not going to go into graphic detail about that, so you can keep reading.  Here's what I want to tell you. 
      I felt deeply ashamed and embarrassed that I had read this book.  I knew my father would be very upset with me, so I hid it behind some other books on a different book shelf.  Eventually, my father came to me and said, "Cathy, I can't find a library book that's due.  Do you have any idea where it might be?"  I blushed and stammered and showed him where it was.  He looked embarrassed and said, "This is not a book for a child your age to be reading."  I'm sure I slunk away to my bedroom and hid the rest of the day!
      As I said, I was 11 or 12 at the time of this incident.  When I was about 8, my mother had given me a book about how babies are made, and I remember being absolutely astonished!!!  Somehow, I knew about the sex act, but I had no idea that babies were made that way -- that moms and dads did that!  Sadly, however, I never discussed this with my mother.  She handed me the book, told me to read it, and then asked if I had any questions.  I did not!  So then I sneaked the book to school, and when my teacher caught me showing it to the other children, I was in trouble big time.  Shame and embarrassment -- those are the feelings I remember from that incident, too.  And from that time until the time I read Sons and Lovers there had been absolutely no discussion of sexual issues in our household.  And once again, there was no discussion about any of this.
     I know that the secrecy around sex, as well as the shame and embarrassment, shaped the way I looked at boys (and eventually men) and that it had a huge impact on the choices I made -- as a child and as an adult.  I can't help but wonder how different things might have been if my parents had felt comfortable talking about sex and teaching me that sex is a good and normal thing.  Because of that, I was determined that I would not repeat that pattern with my children -- but then I ended up not having children until I adopted my son when he was seven!   And at the age of seven, he had lots of questions.  I am proud to be able to say that I have done what my parents didn't (perhaps couldn't) do -- my son is very comfortable asking me questions, and as he enters his teen years (he'll be 13 in August), I will continue to let him know I am here for him.  Sadly, he has told me that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to his dad about intimate issues.